Who Am I? A Middle Aged Man’s Reflection

In many ways, our sense of wellbeing, contentment, peace, wholeness, and freedom, rests on the foundation of who we believe ourselves to be. So, let’s explore that topic!

Hi beloved reader,

In a poignant moment of deep vulnerability, with tears in their eyes and longing on their lips, someone recently asked me: “Who am I?” Honestly, I don’t know that there’s a more important question in life than this. Yet, how many of us, like this person, don’t know?

What is more, even if you or I do have an answer, I have a hunch this inquiry bears repeating. After all, change is one of life’s constants, and humans possess an endless potential to learn, grow, and transform.

I’m truly grateful for this person’s honesty, not only for how courageous it was, but also because it opened my eyes to how I’ve actually been wrestling with this myself lately.

You see I’m in a bit of uncharted territory. Last year was bookended by my partner and I moving from Washington state to Sicily at the beginning of the year, and me turning fifty at the end. Then, this May, I finished five years of schooling and training to get a doctorate, life coaching certification, and soul care certification.

In other words: This middle-aged, balding and disabled man with achy shoulders, finds himself in a foreign country, at the precept of a brand-new occupational reality. And to make matters even more uncomfortable, my new endeavors rely on me “selling” myself!

(I think it only took six tries to get a selfie I liked. 😂)

So, to help me face the fears and insecurities that sometimes swirl up within me these days—I ask myself: Who am I? Really and truly?

Lisa and I watched Dr. Strange and the Multiverse of Madness the other day. A super interesting part of the plot is that, as the protagonist goes from universe to universe, he discovers that basically every other Stephen Strange is shady, selfish, reckless, and/or evil. Because of this, people keep essentially telling him, “you’re a problem, and not to be trusted.”

This identity, as you might imagine, begins to influence Dr. Strange’s image of who he is. At the climax of the movie, though, he realizes: The versions of me in other universes, do not define me. I get to choose. I get to decide who I am! With this in mind, one could say …

We are not who others say we are. We choose who we are, and there is a multiverse of possibilities within each of us!

(From Inspiring Quotes)

On this theme, I notice that my fears and insecurities grow loudest, when I get my sense of self from my work, my wife, and/or others. Naturally, when work goes well, Lisa is happy with me (which she nearly always is), and others affirm me—I feel fantastic about myself. Yet, when any of these go wrong, aren’t great, or there’s even hint of disapproval—I feel deflated. This is because:

When the source of your identity and sense of self is outside of you, it is fragile and volatile.

With this in mind, I return to the question: Who am I?

I could say I’m a husband, father, life coach, yoga teacher, soul care companion, writer, Seahawks fan, Christ follower, and lover of life. Yet, while those are aspects of me—today at least—they aren’t the essence of me. Like the approval, or disapproval, of others, these descriptors are changeable.

That said, there is at least one thing that doesn’t vary about me. I am alive. In this regard, I can quite confidently—and joyously, I might add—answer our question by saying:

I am life. I am alive. I am aliveness.

How does that resonate with you, friend? It honestly gets me a bit giddy, and inspired to keep going a bit more.

Going back to Dr. Strange’s realization that he got to decide, I ask myself: What is it about us that gets to choose? It’s our consciousness. It’s that part of us that can “step back”, be aware of what’s going on, and make a mindful choice on what to do, say, and so on. It is simultaneously the witness to what is occurring, and the writer of our part in the Play of Life.

In other words: I am alive, I am aware, and I am chooser. Now, while in terms of laying out who I truly am, I think this is pretty close to the mark, I feel it lacks a little spirit. It’s missing the purpose of this thing we call life.

Love.

You know how parents tell their kiddos they have to take a “no thank you bite” of a new dish, or something they previously didn’t like? I find that principle to be a helpful way to live when it comes to beliefs, opinions, etc. You only know if something rings true to you, if you sink your teeth into it, so to speak.

I bring that up because; the more I live into the belief that love is our purpose, and trust that I was born beloved. The more everything makes sense—and life sings to, within, and around me in the most beautiful way.

Tying this all together, and with a nod to Ram Dass for saying “I am loving awareness”, this is how I’d answer our question:

I am beloved and alive with loving awareness.

Beloved reader, you are incredible, and I hope this spoke to you! Who would you say you are? What stood out to you from what I shared? What would you add? I can’t wait to hear from you in the comments! And please “like” 🤍, and consider sharing/restacking this post if it spoke to you.

Hugs & Love,

Lang (aka “Dr. Love”)