The Twisting Trails of Healing and Transformation

How a little insight I was going to share about myself turned into a powerful moment of healing.

Hi beautiful being,

I’ve missed you the last few weeks while I’ve been on holiday! After getting to enjoy one of Lisa’s daughters—along with two grandkids—visiting us in Sicily for Spring Break; we went on a 10-day Spain Intensive Cruise. Needless to say, we had an aMAZing time!

The funny thing is, as we were preparing for said shenanigans, I had a strong desire to schedule a couple of short posts for y’all here on the Sundays I was going to be gone. The first one I had outlined in my head, was about how I have a hard time letting go. I planned to say something like: “Whenever I go on vacation, it’s a struggle for me to not do at least some work. So, I came up with the ‘brilliant’ idea to write you beforehand about how freeing it can be to let impulses like that go.”

Now, in many ways, this inclination of mine is a good thing. It’s what leads me to be loyal, committed, and devoted—in pretty much all aspects of my life. The downside of this character trait, though, is I have a propensity to cling to things—like my Substack offerings, relationships, my work, and so on—more than is healthy or helpful.

(The pics are from a museum we went to in Barcelona)

So, a couple days after we returned home from our cruise, I took this tendency of mine to a soul care session with my spiritual director. Receiving “soul care”, in case you’re wondering, is like having a midwife who helps you tend to the innermost essence of who and how you are. As a spiritual director myself, the tagline I wrote to sum it up on my website is:

Soul care gives you a safe space to fully be yourself within the arms of lovingkindness, which sets you free and makes you whole—exactly as things are.

As I’ve witnessed roughly a hundred times over the last year-and-a-half—from both sides of the proverbial fence—the difference this makes in a person is incredible! Sitting with my person to work through the dark-side of the difficulty I have letting go, was a particularly powerful instance of this.

We started by gently exploring the stories in my head that pull me this direction. As I shared the messages I’ve internalized from our culture, and others, I realized a part of me believes:

My worth, depends on what I produce.

Friend, isn’t it fascinating how easily we can get things twisted up like this? The simple truth is that your, and my, worth and productivity are separate categories. It’s not healthy or helpful to link the two, as I did. A person’s value is inherently priceless.

What is more, as my director opened my eyes to: Rest and recreation are immensely productive undertakings, in that they restore, rejuvenate, and renew a person. You know how a farm’s soil needs to regularly lay fallow, in order to stay healthy and optimize its crops? We’re the same. Consistently ceasing our doings to enjoy the bliss of being, is a necessary part of our flourishing.

Now, as if uncovering this golden nugget of insight wasn’t enough, we ended up digging deeper. In the dark depths of me, buried way beneath my struggle to let go, we found middle school Lang. A terrified piece of me, who felt he needed to “hold on for dear life” to survive. Why?

Well, since my dad was in the army, we moved around a good bit while I was in elementary school. Then, after I finished fifth-grade in West Germany, my parents got divorced. This meant I got to start middle school in Bremerton, Washington, where I didn’t know anybody! I can feel the terror of that first day in my body as I write this, and want to run away and hide.

It wasn’t all that long, though, before I made some pretty good friends. Matt and Dan became my besties. While I only knew them in middle school, and haven’t thought of them in years, I still have many fond memories from our times together.

That said, somewhere along the line; Tim, Andrew, Brad, and others, started bullying me. They were really sly about it; in that they’d terrorize me just outside of the view of the adults—especially during the rec time we got after lunch. Hmm. In writing this, I just now remembered something. In eight-grade, it got so bad—to avoid my tormentors—I started eating lunch in a friendly teacher’s classroom.

Do you want to know what the worst, most traumatic part of this ongoing drama was? When the bullies appeared, I’d look to my friends for help. Yet, every time, they either “faded” away, or were nowhere to be found. Every time, I was all alone, and terrified because of it. This, it turns out, is the wound lurking deep beneath my overactive desire to hold on, and never let go.

(From Inspiring Quotes)

After we brought this into the light, my director asked me something like, “What do you imagine the Divine would invite you to do with this?” Eyes bright with tears, I realized:

That scared, clingy, and overly committed childhood piece of me can relax and be at ease. He’s not alone, because grown up Lang is with him, and will never leave him—and neither will the Divine.

Friend, I so appreciate you letting me share this tender tale with you! What did it stir up in you? What healing moments like this have you experienced? I can’t wait to hear from you in the comments! And please “like” 🤍, and consider sharing/restacking this post if it spoke to you.

Hugs & Love,

Lang (aka “Dr. Love”)