The Wonderful World of Paying Attention

From the moment we arrive here—naked and screaming—there’s not much we crave more than being seen, heard, and understood.

Hi beautiful being,

I find it fascinating how prone I am to not really pay attention. How easy it is for me to only kind of be in the moment, to only partially be connected to what’s going on around—as well as—within me. But I’m getting ahead of myself. Let me “start” by sharing a little tale about my partner, Lisa, and I.

“I feel like I barely get to see and spend time with you these days,” Lisa told me a few weeks ago, with a look of vulnerability and hopeful longing in her eyes.

“What do you mean by that, honey?” I asked with a straight face, because I was keeping the defensiveness that instantly sprung up inside of me at bay.

“After we get out of bed on work days, I basically don’t see you until after I shower and workout once I get home. And on weekends, you disappear into your office in the mornings for your daily routine^[1], and I feel all alone. I wonder if you even want to spend time with me anymore?” she said in words overflowing with heart-heaviness.

Moved by my love’s heartache, I told her, “I’m so sorry, honey. That’s really hard to feel disconnected and apart like that. I’d love to hear more, if you have more to share?”

“I know in the mornings you’re really not all that far away. But back home in the States, the table you used for your computer in the morning was in the same space as the kitchen. So, as I got ready for work or made breakfast, you were right there, and there was the opportunity to chat. But here in Sicily, your office is by itself, on the other side of the house. We feel miles apart.”

“Ahh, I hear you, honey. Thank you so much for sharing what’s going on inside of you. You gave me an idea of how to make things better.” I let Lisa know as my eyes teared up.

(From Inspiring Quotes)

Now, I think it’s important to point out that my predisposition to not really pay attention, is what led Lisa to feeling disconnected, lonely, and alone in the first place. I’d missed many small clues along the way, before they added up together to burst forth in her heartfelt outpouring. Do you know what I mean, friend?

What is more—at the beginning of our conversation—I still wasn’t connected to Lisa, or what was going on inside of me. Why do I say that? Because I was defensive. Relational defensiveness is a coping mechanism that shields us from facing the shadowy truths within us named by others. This often-spontaneous reaction, clings to what isn’t true, to avoid addressing what is.

In my case, I held onto the untruth of “not wanting to spend time with” Lisa. That way, I wouldn’t have to explore how I can be hurtfully selfish with my morning routine—among other things. What is more, my defensiveness also blocked me from remembering—and most importantly, addressing—how I’m much happier with time spent by myself than Lisa is.

Fortunately, that day I was able chose to set my defensiveness aside, in order to truly pay attention to Lisa—as well as what was beneath the “surface” within me. What I discovered was a mutual longing for one another, and a rather easy “solution”. Since then, on workdays I take my laptop into the kitchen, and do my thing at the table so I can be present with my love as she gets ready. Likewise, when she’s off, I join her in the living room—whether it’s with my computer, or another device.

Over the roughly three weeks since our conversation, I believe Lisa’s expressed her joy over our new dynamic at least ten times.

Friend, I share this story with you because, it helped me realize:

Honestly, I don’t know if there are any areas of our lives this doesn’t apply to. Recently, while riding our Peloton (aka spin bike), I noticed my right toes had a tendency to tense up like a claw. I kid you not! At the time, I was also feeling some discomfort in my right hip flexor. Not long after this, my right calf started tightening up. Paying attention to this dynamic helped me adjust my pedal strokes—and declaw my foot (LOL)—which allowed my hip flexor and calf, to return to normal. How cool is that?!

Enough about me, friend. I’d love to hear from you! What stood out or spoke to you? What has being paid attention to, or not, meant to you? How can you pay a bit more attention to yourself and others? Please chime in in any way you’d like!

Hugs & Love,

Lang (aka “Dr. Love”)

P.S. Did you know that clicking the “like” button 🤍 helps other people find this post—while bringing a smile to my face? Also, if you think this could aid anyone, please consider sharing and/or “restacking” it. And above all, remember: You are amazing, and I hope you have a beautiful day!

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^[1] I have a morning routine/ritual wherein I enjoy my coffee and breakfast, while scanning the news headlines, catching up on the latest in sports, reading basically everything in the Seattle Times about my favorite sports teams, relishing a few comic strips, spending a bit of time on Facebook, checking our financials, and reading a few things that nourish my spirit.