The Two Shades of Grace: Friendly and Fierce
A reflection on two different ways grace has met, shaped, and changed me for the better.
Hi Beautiful Being!
You know the old saying, about how there are only two guarantees in life? Death and taxes. I think we should add a third: Childhood trauma. I mean, there’s a reason why every parent I know “jokes” about how it’s not a question of if their kid(s) will need therapy, but of what they’ll need therapy for.
Honestly, the more we can normalize childhood trauma—while eliminating the forms of it that nobody should ever have to endure—the less ashamed of, and freer from it we’ll become. Things brought into the light of loving awareness heal, while those kept in the dark, fester and grow.
I bring this up to share a bit of my youthful hurt, without pointing fingers at my parents. My childhood trauma is what it is, and I don’t blame them.
You see, I have a pretty chaotic and unsettled origin story. My dad was in the army, and my mom and dad did not get along very well. Honestly, I remember them fighting, more than I recall them fondly connecting with each other. While our memories are tricky—meaning, I can’t tell how factual mine is—this is what stuck with me. One-on-one, though, I really only recall wonderful times with my mom and my dad.
[If either of you are reading this, just know: I love and think the world of you!]
Part of what makes us humans so incredible, is the way we can adapt to most anything. For instance, I coped with the upheaval that stemmed from us moving around the world, work regularly taking my dad away from us, and the tension between my parents, by being a golden child. I adapted by getting A’s, scoring 100’s, and being the “best”.
In other words, I come by my competitive nature—as well as its shadow side—honestly. Its dark underbelly is that losing, launches me back into my childhood feeling of upheaval—along with the sense of unbelonging it brings. And, for me, “losing” covers a lot of territory. It means: Not being and doing my best, succeeding, and/or being recognized.
While this year—in particular—has been quite healing and freeing in this area, I still have work to do. Recently, while Lisa cooked dinner, I played Hearthstone (a strategy game I love). At one point, I was locked in a neck-in-neck battle, which had just reached a turning point. In one move—if I did it just right—I would win the game. But, if I got it wrong, I’d likely lose. Not knowing this, my wife innocently popped into the room, and asked me a question.
I lost focus, missed my chance, and eventually lost the game—loudly voicing, and growling, my frustration along the way. And that, is when grace entered the room. With a warm kindness, Lisa compassionately asked me why I got upset. Embodying calm and curiosity, my beautiful partner took several minutes to better understand what goes on inside me, and makes me tick. In that moment, Lisa embodied the friendly face of grace. Which, begs the question: What is grace?
Grace is anything that opens your heart or mind. It’s a gift that—when received—transports you to a place of greater inner freedom and fullness. Grace simultaneously marks you with belovedness, and grows your heart in lovingkindness.
(Lisa and I out for a walk)
Now, it’s important to note that grace is like a momma bear. It gives tough love, tender love, and everything in between—tailoring the medicine it administers to best serve the situation. What is more, sometimes it affects you instantly, and sometimes it takes a while. In other words:
Grace isn’t always a sweet elixir. In fact, it can be a quite bitter pill to swallow. And while sometimes it works miraculously quickly, other times it is more like it’s more like a lengthy chemo treatment. Yet, the healing and transformation it offers, is always worth it.
That evening, Lisa’s tender grace was just what I needed to see, and step into, greater healing. It helped me release the insecurities that push me toward perfectionism—among other things. And, while it wouldn’t have helped in that instance, I can also recall many times when fierce grace was what I required and received.
While the doses tasted horrible going down, so to speak; clear as day, I can see how my two divorces were two of the greatest gifts in my life. In different ways, they each freed and healed me, while expanding my ability to love and be loved. The first divorce opened my eyes to how self-centered, and thus blind to what was going on inside others, I was. Then, since I was an overeager student, the second one taught me to not lose myself in loving another.
As I look back on my journey, I’d say:
Grace is all around us, when we have eyes to see it. She is our ever-present teacher, as we learn to love and be loved. Sometimes she feels like a hug, sometimes like a sharp slap in the face—but grace always comes from, and leads us deeper into, love.
How has grace healed and freed you in the past? How might she be guiding and growing you today?
Before you go, beloved reader: If you enjoyed this, please click the “like” button 🤍 and subscribe, as kindness is happiness. Also, your thoughts matter—so, we’d love to hear from you in the comments! And, if you know anyone this could bless or benefit, please consider sharing this offering with them. Finally: YOU are amazing, and I hope you have a beautiful day!
Hugs & Love,
Lang (aka “Dr. Love”)
For the last 8 months I have being doing Sacred Journey: The 19th Annotation. This journey has been all about grace. Grace to receive God's love. Grace to receive sin exposure. Grace to walk with Christ in the passion week. It's been incredibly formative, healing and humbling.