The Gift of Losing, Letting Go, and Longing
While it’s not fun, it is SOO worth it!
Hello and welcome, treasured one—
I turn fifty in December, and—after a good bit of wrestling—believe I’ve finally come around to embracing it. Interestingly, without realizing it at the time, going through the five stages of grief is what got me there. My months-long process went a little something like this:
Denial: Nope. We do not think or talk about turning fifty. It is NOT happening.
Anger: Oh yeah! I’ll show fifty whose boss! I’m going to be more fit and stronger than ever!
Bargaining: Fifty is the new thirty now, don’t you think? What’s more, age is just a number, and I can be as young as I want … right?
Depression: Eating my feelings, while lying on the couch and binging my favorite shows sounds like a good life choice.
Acceptance: Let’s do this! Fabulous fifty, here we come!
Now, grief is messier than, and not linier like I portrayed it, but you get the point. On that topic, did you know Elisabeth Kübler-Ross’s five stages of grief wasn’t intended for all grieving, but for coming to terms with death? I find that fitting, because the key that unlocked my acceptance of turning fifty was letting go of my idealized self. As in the pre-balding, less gray-haired, still somewhat youthful Lang in my thirties and early-forties. Our idealized self is the period when we feel we were at the peak of our powers. And I’d clung to that “Lang” long past his departure.
In other words: My idealized self, with his youthful vigor, is dead and gone—and that is a natural and normal part of life. It’s a transition I resisted to my detriment, and now embrace to my benefit.
What is more, it’s a gift. You see, up until I began letting go of younger Lang, I measured my progress and success in terms of doing more, going faster, and being better than before. In other words, I was always in a competition with myself; and the only way to win was to beat the Lang who came before. While this drive has some benefits—it’s our driven self who pushes us to get things done—frankly, it was also getting exhausting. Constantly pushing to one-up myself was getting old.
Thankfully, letting go of my idealized—aka egoic—self, allows me to now view “victory” as loving, and caring for myself exactly as I am. Instead of striving for success, I settle into it—by being present, listening, and doing my best. While I used to push for perfection—with its focus on individual achievement, productivity, and the like; now, I heed the pull to connection—which emphasizes meaningful interactions, listening deeply to others and my True Self, and the common good.
Can you feel the “life” and freedom in that shift? Do you notice how it doesn’t mean I can’t, or won’t also get better, faster, stronger, etc. than before?
I originally titled this The Gift of Midlife Crises, but changed my mind because what I’m getting at is a gift that greets us at any age, or stage, of life. The problem is, the “giver” of said gift is frequently something we do not like, so we return it to sender. Why? Because it comes in the form of a crisis, failure, loss, unfulfilled longing, nagging sense there’s something more, and so on.
From my experiences, these crucibles that turn our world upside down and remake us, are what Jesus is getting at by saying, You must lose your life to find it. (Mark 8:35)
One of the times this happened to me was for a few years in the 2000s. Brick-by-brick the “ideal” life and faith I’d constructed was torn down. First, I began to realize that the God of my understanding, didn’t make much of a tangible difference in people’s lives—or the world. Next, a church community my wife and I really resonated with—a young adult service at a bigger church—got shut down so we could integrate with the older folks. Then, my kiddo was born six weeks early, and had to spend four weeks in the Nursery ICU because of health complications. A little over a year after that, my wife had a heartrending miscarriage in the second trimester. A few months later, we separated so she could figure some things out—with divorce on the table. This SO undid me and what I thought made for a good life, that I lost my will to live for a time.
In short, I’d lost my life.
Yet, through it all, family and friends walked with me every step of the way. They checked in on me. They cheered me on. They made me laugh. They helped me cry. They shared with me, and poured themselves into me. Many even went out of their way to fly to be with me during the separation.
Family and friends, I realized, are the unshakeable foundation of a wonderful life.
During this time, sages helped me see God differently. They introduced me to a Christlike Creator—one who, over time, I saw and experienced as making a substantial difference within the world, others, and myself.
The Divine’s radical acceptance, endless love, and undying loyalty to each and every one of us—NO exceptions—is forever the fulfillment of my deepest yearnings and longings. I have but to surrender to it.
Before this, my midlife, and other crises; I thought success, winning, achievement, production, and so on were what life is about. Losing, though (in all its forms), forcibly taught me to let go of these false ideals. Which opened my eyes to my true longing, the real purpose of life—love, togetherness, kindness, compassion, empathy, unity, and their kin.
How does this land with you? Does it spark or inspire something within you? Please let us know in the comments, click the “like” button 🤍 if this spoke to you, and share it with anyone you think it could benefit. And above all, please remember: YOU are amazing, and I hope you have a beautiful day!
Hugs & Love,
Lang (aka “Dr. Love”)