Shining From the Inside Out: Four Keys to Wellbeing
When we feel cheerful, calm, and confident on the inside, our lives blossom. Here are four practices and dispositions that help us dwell in that blissful space more often …
Hi beautiful being,
You know how, as much as pilots seek to avoid it, turbulence is bound to happen, from time-to-time, on flight? Much the same is true about relationships, especially partnerships and marriages.
Turbulence happens, and Lisa and I went through a bit of a rough patch recently. Looking back on it, I can clearly see how the usual culprits for these kinds of things—miscommunication, misunderstanding, and misalignment—were at work.
Fortunately, in my experience, grace abounds. Which means, our mistakes, when worked with, are the fertile soil from which we grow and blossom—individually and communally. So, after sitting down and talking things through, Lisa and I learned a few things about ourselves and each other, became better in the process, and grew closer together.
Do you want to hear about it? Of course you do. :) We all love a little drama! Especially when it has both a happy ending, and some valuable food for thought.
Things came to a head for us after, and because of, Lisa going to the emergency room. But I’m getting ahead of myself …
After a couple weeks of us both—but especially Lisa—being stretched and pulled emotionally, physically, and mentally, she had to go on a work trip. Of course, nothing is simple when it comes to how the U.S. military does things; so, keeping in mind she’s a civil servant for the U.S. Navy currently on a three-year assignment to Sicily, allow these data (aka stress) points to sink in:
The day she was going to leave shifted at least five times because of military infighting over who was going to pay.
The trip was to a pretty remote island in Scotland. Which required Lisa to fly from Sicily to Amsterdam to Glasgow, and stay the night. Before flying the next day to the island.
Where she worked all day, every day for a week to essentially clean up the “mess” from a rather large NATO exercise.
Before making the same arduous two-day trek back home.
As you can imagine, Lisa was quite happy to return to our nest on Saturday night! We enjoyed a lovely evening together, and a nice, chill Sunday. At the end of which—as usual—we kissed, cuddled, and drifted off to sleep.
Only, unbeknownst to me, Lisa woke up before midnight in a great deal of pain. Enough that she thought it best to drive our car to the naval station’s ER. Out of kindness, as there wasn’t anything I could have done, she didn’t wake me—though she did text me so I’d know what was going on when I got up in the morning.
As Monday unfolded, we learned her gall bladder was FULL of stones, so she needed surgery to remove it. A friend of ours (whose wife is a Navy ER doc) offered to trek out to where we live on the slopes of Mount Etna to bring me out for the procedure, and then both of us back home afterward. “Do you want him to come get you?” my wife asked.
After talking it over via text, Lisa and I agreed that logically it didn’t make any sense to further disrupt my day. Plus, there was nothing I could do for her while she was in surgery. So, I stayed home. Pretty much ruining any chance I had of winning Husband of the Year, no doubt.
Although Lisa’s operation went great, she ended up not being able to leave on Monday like we’d thought. Her postop labs indicated she needed some more hospital-style care. Plus, tests indicated some stones might have escaped her gall bladder, into her G.I. tract. So, to get all of that squared aware, she also stayed Tuesday night, before returning home early Wednesday afternoon.
In retrospect, it’s important to note:
This entire time I had two conflicting impulses. One, which was heady, driven, and logical, urged me to stay home and chip away at my never-ending work projects. The other, which was more of a felt sense in my gut, encouraged me to go.
Unfortunately, as these two “voices” debated within me, my inner critic joined the fray. It essentially took my gut’s message of kindness and compassion, and used it to condemn, shame, and belittle me. Igor (my critic’s name) basically said: “You are SO selfish. I cannot believe you have the leaning to stay home. What a selfish and terrible person you are!”
Sadly, instead of digging into and exploring what was going on inside of me with love and curiosity, I effectively “ran away”.
A few days after her homecoming, Lisa confessed to me that—even though she had essentially told me not to—she really wished I would have been with her. In truth, it hurt her that I wasn’t.
As you might imagine, friend, my inner critic was like, “Aha! See! I told you! You are a selfish and terrible person!” So, in true Jekyll and Hyde fashion—alternating between defensive self-shaming and compassionate understanding—I confessed to Lisa how deeply sorry I was for not being by her side. As well as how this mistake had taught me how to do better in the future. When situations akin to this arise, I will pause, take a deep breath in, and remember what matters most: Loving, caring for, and being with people.
Confession is one of the keys to wellbeing. When we share our faults (real or perceived), fears, worries, insecurities, troubles, oddities, wonderings, and so on with others, we receive the gift of greater freedom and wholeness. The more we bring things into the light, the more we heal, grow, and thrive.
By confessing to one another what was going on inside of us, not only did Lisa and I feel like a burden had been lifted, we realized something important. A big reason why we’d landed in some relational hot water, was because we hadn’t communicated clearly. Together we (re)learned how important it is to clearly articulate your wants, needs, and desires.
Communicating clearly is an instrumental part of shining from the inside out. It’s said in Genesis that the Creator spoke all of reality into existence, and that we are in the Divine image. In other words, our words have a massive amount of power! Speaking up is vital to our wellbeing, as it helps create and shape what happens.
A big reason why Lisa and I were able to hash things out in a kind and caring way, while also learning lessons, is because we entered the conversation content. Satisfied with life, satisfied with ourselves, and satisfied with one another. While this is likely worthy of a whole post to itself (let me know in the comments if you’re interested in one), I cannot emphasize enough how powerful and important it is to be content. To be satisfied with what is.
As Epicurus writes:
“He who is not satisfied with a little, is satisfied with nothing.”
And as Dave Matthew Band sings:
“What I want is what I’ve not got, but what I need is all around me.”
To be content is to be at ease. To be content, is to be joyous from the inside out. While this doesn’t mean we don’t fight for what’s right and work for the changes we hope to see, it is vital for us to feel well from the inside out.
Everything I’ve shared above, rides on the back of the fourth key: Condition-less Love. Love, which by nature lacks conditions and is thus unconditional, is the master key that unlocks wellbeing. In the embrace of this love, we feel safe, secure, seen, heard, and valued. Friend, it’s important to note here, while this is for sure an energy between people, it is also a disposition towards ourselves. Do you know what I mean?
Condition-less love is the light at the center of each of us, which makes our world go round-and-round in the most beautiful way.
I am SO grateful to Lisa for being such an amazing partner and person, who I get to learn and grow with! Thank you, my love, for helping me realize how confession, clear communication, contentment, and condition-less love are keys to shining from the inside out, and being well!
Beloved reader, you are incredible, and I hope this spoke to you! As I shared how confession, clear communication, contentment, and condition-less love help us shine from the inside out, what stood out to you? How do you see these applying to your life? What would you add? I can’t wait to hear from you in the comments! And please “like” 🤍, and consider sharing/restacking this post if it spoke to you.
Hugs & Love,
Lang (aka “Dr. Love”)