No Secrets: The Sweetness of Living Authentically
While secrets are like chains that keep us in the dark, living transparently in the light is where we thrive.
Hi Beautiful Beings!
Not long ago, I heard “Secrets” by Mary Lambert. As I listened to this song about being 100% vulnerable, real, and authentic, I thought to myself: Yes! This! Living a life free from secrets, is to live a life that is free to flourish. While this is a hard-won truth I experience for myself, it’s also a reality I see in the lives of others.
Every time I’ve kept something about myself secret, or been secretive about my actions and activities, suffering—for me and others—has resulted. What has it been like for you? I could tell you, dear reader, about the times I cheated on a girlfriend, how I stole coins from my mom’s purse and grandpa’s desk, or the time I threw a party at my parent’s house without them knowing—but I won’t. Instead, I’ll share my longtime deep, dark secret that caused the most damage …
For the better part of a decade, I was secretly addicted to porn. Although my first wife and I were married for the better part of that time, I bent over backwards to make sure my quite frequent habit remained hidden from her. I was so paranoid she’d find out: I’d lock doors, only visited free sites so I didn’t leave a financial trail, and erased my computer’s browsing history after each “session”.
Isn’t it crazy how secrets can twist us up like pretzels, from the inside out?
Then, one day when we went to couples counseling, the therapist looked me in the eyes and asked: “Do you look at porn?” Mortified, I said something like, “yes, sometimes I do.” Even when I was caught red-handed, I couldn’t be fully honest … even to myself. It wasn’t until after I stopped using, that I was able to admit I was addicted.
That said, while I’d love to report that from that day forward, I learned my lesson and things began getting better—I cannot. In short order, I swept that revelation way under the carpet. And while my secret porn addiction wasn’t what eventually killed our marriage, in retrospect, I believe it was a manifestation of a deeper issue that was—at least—a strong contributor.
You see, at that point in time I largely lived as a closed book. I kept much of the goodness, darkness, weirdness, woundedness, and gloriousness that makes me, me, locked up inside of me. Instead of being vulnerable—which builds connection, closeness, and communion—I was relationally distant and removed. To paraphrase something Jesus said: I was a tomb that appeared to be a house for the living, on the outside.
The parts of ourself we keep sealed up and secret from others—and sometimes ourselves—end up
torturing and tormenting us from the inside out.
Now, while it is true that keeping aspects of ourselves secret manifests hurt—especially the “ugly” and shameful bits. It’s equally important to say clearly and definitively: Other people’s secrets, including their parts in our own confidences, are NOT ours to share. The intimate details other people share with us are sacred. Without permission, these need to stay “under lock and key”. Similarly, it’s vital to not share other people’s parts in our own secrets. Like who it is I cheated on, or who I did it with, for example.
Keeping that in mind; you know how in movies and shows, we’ll see a character who is keeping a secret from someone near and dear to them, and we’ll think to ourselves: NOOOOOOOOO! Don’t do it! Tell them! They’ll totally understand?
When you hide things in relationships, it makes you look guilty. Yet, when you’re transparent and real, it fosters deep, life-giving, and magical intimacy. It cultivates love.
A transparent life, is a terrific one.
Yet, isn’t transparency scary? Totally! It definitely is. The freedom to share our secrets, the ability to be real, and the courage to be vulnerable, come from the foundation of unconditional love. These life-giving gifts are the fruit of living as the beloved.
Belovedness is the key that unlocks us from the smallness, stressfulness, and scariness secrets bring. That’s why I’m beyond words grateful to be loved well by Lisa, my parents, Scott, Kato, Leia, Erick, Mark, Nancy, Tanna, Rachel, Tom, Mike, Kathy, Amber, Tiffanie, Tiffany, Nichole, Andrew, many-many others, and the Creator of All Things.
I hope, pray, and wish for you too to experience the richness of belovedness and its fruits. AND, I’d be honored to hear your stories, experiences, and thoughts on secrets!
Hugs & Love,
Lang (aka“Dr. Love”)
What you e shared here, is an amazing truth! It’s also the most courageous thing we, as humans, can do. I too have harbored secrets in my life…and when I eventually “come clean” it feels like a weight has been lifted! And, in the end, if we are keeping secrets to avoid being hurt, embarrassed, “found out”, those who would shame us, are not the people that should be kept close.