Friendship: The Wings We Travel with to Life’s Heights Part 1
Friends make the hard times okay, the great times amazing, and the ordinary ones beautiful.
Hello Beautiful Beings!
The people in these pictures, and many who aren’t, are EVERYTHING! These friends—who include family—have been the wings that carried me through my darkest moments in life, met me (literally) at death’s door, made the celebratory moments of life more wonderful, and added deep beauty to the ordinary moments that comprise most of our days. I truly believe I’ve won the best lottery; in that, Lisa and I don’t have anywhere near the time we’d like to connect and commune with all the people near and dear to us.
That said, that has not always been the case in my life. My deepest, bleakest dark season came in 2013. While this was partly because I was in the midst of an unwanted separation and divorce—although I did co-create it—it was mostly because at that moment in time, I had very few friends who lived near to me. In that season, I was lonelier, and more hurt—a devastating combination—than at any other moment in my life.
Have you had a similar life experience? Does it seem like society is collectively in that space now, with loneliness “infecting” jaw dropping numbers of us like a relational and mental pandemic? For anyone feeling isolated, uncared for, unseen, and/or unwanted, I hope and pray the new growth and flourishing of a relational spring follows the darkness and bareness of winter for you, like it did for me. I’m beyond grateful to people, near and far, like Scott, Leia, Erick, Nancy, Tom, Mark, Peter, and Michael, who helped me weather the dark night of the soul I went through in 2013.
In and through community lies the salvation of the world.
- M. Scott Peck
I love imagery and metaphors. In that regard, I find it helpful to remember: Life is a journey, meant to be taken together. Perhaps my biggest mistake when it came to Carla and I, then, was that instead of seeing her as a traveling companion, I viewed her, as my journey’s destination. She was my mountaintop. Have you ever done likewise?
On that note, do you know why airplanes are so magnificently reliable? Because they’re designed to NOT have a single point of failure. More than one thing can break or go wrong in the plane, and it will still fly safely. Carla was my single point of failure. Hence, the epic way I crashed and burned when she left.
In other words, it’s vital to recognize a relationship—even if it’s an amazing partnership/marriage—is NOT the mountaintop of your life. Instead, with props to Christine D’Ercole for inspiring this: Relationships are the hands we hold (for mutual strength and support), and feet we walk side-by-side with (for companionship) to the top!
People are traveling partners, not destinations.
What is more: Cultivating a broad, diverse, loyal, understanding, and kind circle of friends, eliminates the possibility of a single point of failure dragging you down into a pit of despair. As it did for me in 2013.
We all have stories. Friends are the people we hold and carry one another’s stories with.
You know how—depending on who we’re around, what we’re doing, or where we’re at—we play varying roles, put on different “masks,” and such? While there is an essential goodness to this, in that Love invites us to both show up as our authentic selves, and to do so in a contextually kind and caring manner. The downside is that one’s roles, masks, and armor replace, hide, and shield the Truth about them.
A profound turning point for me, following 2013’s divorce, was when I decided to take my masks off, and just be me—with kindness, care, and understanding for others. While also, giving my friends the space and invitation to do likewise. Recently, while teaching yoga, I’ve summed it up like this: The more real we are with ourselves and others, like Pinocchio, the more real—aka, human—we become.
One of the most beautiful, brutal, and still beautiful ways we do this, is by sharing our stories of suffering, sorrow, trauma, and loss. As painful as it can be in the moment to dig our hurts up for others to see. By dragging them out, we end up creating space within us, which then gets filled with wellness, wholeness, peace, and joy. I witness this in others, and myself, all the time.
Like gardens, friendships are cultivated. There is simultaneously something natural, and purposeful, about finding and growing them.
While it’s important to sometimes just go with the flow, chill, and hangout with your peeps; it’s also key to recognize a vital ingredient for flourishing friendships is: Intentionality. Creating a safe space for you and your friend(s) to share the tender, diverse, confused, stressed, hurt, and fearful parts of yourselves to one another, requires intentionality. Like a good physical workout, this is not easy, because it is intense to sit with sorrow, difference (whether it’s political, racial, economic, religious, etc.), and so on. But it is also SO worth it!
In much the same way that creating a beautiful garden takes planning, time, effort, and some good fortune; so too does cultivating a beautiful friendship. Not long ago, Dr. Amber Jones (who also happens to be a dear of mine) interviewed me for a podcast on friendship titled: Playful, Loving and Loyal - The Power of Community to Save Our Lives. I think you’ll really enjoy it, and she’s doing a whole series on friendship. The one’s I’ve had a chance to listen to so far have been incredible!
In Part 2 of this two-blog series, I will get into some of the qualities necessary for flourishing friendships and community building. But first, I’d love to hear from you! What are your stories, thoughts, and experiences of friendship?
I leave you with some lyrics from Jack Johnson that blew me away recently:
Home is wherever you are, if there’s love there too.
With that in mind: May the love of your friends (who truly can include you), mean that you are always at home.
Hugs & Love,
Lang (aka “Dr. Love”)
Words of wisdom!