Forgiving Feels Fantastic

When I don’t forgive, it ties me up inside with knots of frustration, anger, and hostility. Yet, when I do forgive, a dance party of joy, gratitude, and love breaks out in my heart—lifting me up.

Hello and welcome, treasured one—

You know how social media will recommend friends to you? Today, Instagram suggested my ex-wife. Although it’s been over a decade since we said our “I don’ts” to the judge; seeing her picture brought the power, complexity, and importance of forgiveness to my mind.

For instance, if the day after our divorce, someone had asked me whether I’d forgiven her. I would have authentically said “yes” … and been wrong. I realize that now, because: A key aspect of unforgiveness is holding on, while an important element of forgiveness is letting go. Although I did indeed let her go when the judge declared our marriage over, it took me a good while to release my need for an explanation, reason, or apology.

The thing is, I didn’t choose, or at all want the divorce. That said, please know that I certainly cocreated it, and don’t judge her for deciding to go that route. My hangup was that, I never felt like I got a solid answer for “why” we were ending. This led me to cling to the idea of the us who could have stayed together, and thus be tormented by why I wasn’t good enough for her to stay. So, during the tender months following our dissolution—when I felt particularly lonely and alone—I often alternated between raging in my mind at her for leaving me, and beating myself up for being left.

In a real way, the “person” I needed to forgive was her, me, and us.

(“Stormy Wave Crash” by Vince Cavataio)

Remembering that season, I can still viscerally feel how torn up and hurting I was inside. Not just because the divorce left a painful wound, which took some time to heal. But also, because:

The person you hurt the most when you don’t forgive is yourself.

Now, it’s important to point out that forgiveness is a process. There’s no mental gavel that we strike to render a once and for all verdict of: Forgiven. It takes time. Especially when it comes to deep wounds.

What is more, forgiveness is a mental, physical, emotional, and spiritual endeavor. It’s a full-bodied affair. With that in mind, it occurs to me that:

Forgiveness is a way of being.

You know how—generally speaking—generous people do generous things, while stingy people do stingy things? Or the differing ways a hard worker and slacker approach tasks? Forgiveness is much the same. It’s a way of being—and ways of being, like muscles, are built up rep-by-rep, over time.

With that in mind, let’s compare the characteristics of unforgiveness to forgiveness:

Unforgiveness is marked by clenching, holding on, tightness, anger, rigidity, shrinking, hostility, darkness, heaviness, and a downward momentum.

Forgiveness, meanwhile, is characterized by releasing, freeing, letting go, spaciousness, freedom, receptivity, peacefulness, growing, brightness, lightness, and an upward momentum.

Can you feel the difference between these two ways of being? Unforgiveness, to me, is like being imprisoned and tortured. Forgiveness, however, is akin to being given wings to fly. The difference between the two is as radical as sleeping on a pile of broken glass, versus on a plush king-sized bed. As author Megan McKenna writes: “And the journey of becoming—of liberation—is the journey of forgiveness.”

(“Sailboat At Dawn On Calm Water” Campbell Photograph by Panoramic Images)

As you might imagine, this process—the journey of forgiveness—doesn’t merely apply to people. To live the amazing life you and I are made for, we need to release our “grip” on any person, group, circumstance, life event, and beyond that we feel wronged us, let us down, hurt us, frustrates us, etc. Honestly, with the craziness in the Middle East, war in the Ukraine, global warming, political madness in the U.S., and so on; I find it helpful to forgive life itself. I do so—in part—by releasing my notion of how things should be, welcoming what is, and doing my best to be a conduit for light and love.

I wonder: Where are you in your journey into the freedom of forgiveness? Are there any people or things that come to mind for you to release?

I think of my aging body, friends and family who don’t return my messages, people with different beliefs from mine, a society that values money and possessions over people, and people I used to be close to and no longer am.

While I can’t wait to hear from you in the comments, I first want to remind you forgiveness is a process—like getting and staying physically fit—so give yourself grace. Also, I want to share one of my all-time favorite practices with you. I learned this from Richard Rohr, and am frequently blown away with how quickly it moves me from angry, frustrated, and so on with a person, or situation—to calm, content, and charitable:

Begin with a few deep breaths, drawing it slowly in through the nose, and audibly sighing out the mouth.

Then, hold the image of the person, or thing, in your mind’s eye.

Notice any sensations or reactions this stirs up in your body.

Gently allow the image to settle from your head to your heart.

Here, surround the person/thing with light.

As you breathe in, let the light expand.

As you breathe out, send authentically warm wishes to the person/thing.

Notice any sensations or reactions this stirs up in your body.

Continue for as long as feels right.

How can forgiveness bless you at this time? How has it benefited you in the past? What stuck out to you while reading this? I’m excited to hear from you in the comments, and please know that clicking the “like” button 🤍 helps other people find this post—while bringing a smile to my face. If you think this could aid anyone, please consider sharing and/or “restacking” it. And above all, remember: You are amazing, and I hope you have a beautiful day!

Hugs & Love,

Lang (aka “Dr. Love”)