Flourishing is an Inside Job
A story and reflection on how most all of the suffering inside of us is avoidable.
Picture this: You’re an enthusiast, Dave Matthews Band is your favorite group, and you have a once in a lifetime opportunity to see them in Paris. On what, just so happens to be, the first night you’ve ever been in The City of Light.
You and your partner arrive a couple of minutes after the show’s “start” time, but you’re no concert newbs. Aside from knowing nobody begins a gig at the appointed hour, and that they nearly always have an opening act, you’re reassured by the full lobby. So, you join the line for the merch—although you call it “the queue”, because everything in Paris is more elegant. :) Since it’ll take a few minutes to get to the front to buy a t-shirt—which you happen to need, as you accidentally packed one too few—you use the lavatory while your person holds your spot.
“Looks like we’re still at the back of the queue,” you chuckle to her as you return. “Do you want to go get us some drinks,” you then ask, “while I finish up here?” Not long after she departs, you get to the front. While it’s a little disappointing they don’t have the shirt you want in your size, you’re happy with your second choice.
You both complete your tasks at the same time, and joyously rendezvous to walk in, and find your seats for the show. Butas you approach the doors you hear one of your favorite songs, “Grey Street”, playing. Before you have time to analyze the sense of dread in your belly, you enter into a darkened concert hall … where the show already started! 😳😭 And, you have no idea how to find your seats!
Putting yourself in my shoes, I’d like to pause here for a moment and ask: What would be going on inside of you?
Frustration, confusion, regret, anger, self-criticism, sorrow, disorientation, and an inner sense of “Aahhhrrrgghhhhh, I can’t believe this”, give a decent picture of what was bubbling up in me at the time.
As natural and normal as those responses are, let’s step back and wonder: Why is that? When there was at that point—quite literally—nothing I could do to change the situation, why would I be frustrated and upset?
What is more, I believe my story points to a common human predicament. One that leaves me wondering: Why do you and I get spun up and upset when somebody cuts us off in traffic, we have to wait in a long line, we find out someone has a serious illness, the weather sucks, our team loses, and so on. This, then raises a bigger question:
Why are we regularly not okay on the inside, because of events outside of us that we cannot change or control?
Fortuitously, on the plane ride from Edinburgh to Paris, I read part of Living Untethered: Beyond the Human Predicamentby Michael A. Singer. Two key themes he drives home are:
1) Everything that happens has a 13.8-billion-year backstory. In other words, if you had a “God’s eye view”, you’d be able to see the chain of events, from the creation of the universe, leading to everything from your first kiss, to today’s weather, to getting cut-off in traffic, to you being born, and so on. The takeaway here, is realizing that—compared to the weight of 13.8-billion-years of cause and effect—you have virtually no influence over how things outside of you unfold.
2) Yet, inside of you, you have preferences about how things outside of you should be. From the weather, to what someone else does or doesn’t say/do, to the traffic, to the way a person looks, to your responsibilities, and beyond—there are “flavors” you prefer, and one’s you don’t like. The upshot is: When the outside world—which you have nearly no sway over—matches your inner likings, you are happy, and when it doesn’t, you are upset … on the inside.
In other words:
Our preferences are our poison. These expectations we have about how life should go—when they’re inevitably disappointed—leave us upset and unbalanced on the inside.
Do you know what I mean? The weather is a classic case in point here. When it is “good”, i.e. matches your preferences, you’re pleased. When it’s “bad”, though? Not so much. Yet, you literally have no control over the weather!
And this predicament applies to every nook and cranny of our lives. From relationships, to work, to hobbies, to traveling and commuting, and beyond. I think here of The Matrix Resurrections, the most recent movie in the series. Several people I know—and love—didn’t like it. Why? Because the story didn’t play out the way they wanted, namely with Neo doing lots of cool superhero Kungfu things.
“What I want is what I’ve not got, but what I need is all around me!”
While this line from a Dave Matthews Band song only partially speaks to the topic at hand, it gets us going the right direction. What I mean is that when it comes to how we suffer on the inside when life and others don’t live up to our likings, the solution is inside of us.
While most everything that happens in our lives is beyond our control, we always have the power to be in charge of our inner responses. I phrased it that way because it takes an act of will, on our part, to take the “reigns” from how our emotions, biases, expectations, etc. pull us to feel and respond. To help us in that endeavor, here are three tools Singer offers:
1. Thought gardening. When your brilliant brain interprets a situation negatively—I hate this weather—weed that thought and replace it with positivity—I really appreciate how the rain makes things green, and helps beautiful plants grow.
2. Mantra. Your monkey mind—the part that tends to unhelpfully yap nonstop—will quiet down when you give it a “banana”. Mantras, an uplifting word or phrase that you rhythmically repeat in your head, are that pacifier. They center and calm you—helping you be your best self. Some of my favorites include: I am loved, I am worthy, I am calm, and Be here now.
3. Witness Consciousness. The most powerful cure to the poison of your preferences is remembering:
You have thoughts, but you are not your thoughts.
You have emotions, but you are not your emotions.
You have preferences, but you are not your preferences.
You have reactions, but you are not your reactions.
YOU, are the loving and compassionate witness to them all.
I invite you to pause and take a moment to experience this. First, take a couple deep, clearing breaths. Then, feel your breath. After this, become aware of how you can notice your thoughts, feelings, etc. Realize this is because the real you, are not them. You are the loving and compassionate witness to them.
The more you and I step into this space, the less we suffer, and more we flourish.
While I’m far from perfect at this, I am grateful that at the Dave Matthews Band show, I was able to do so. Which, allowed Lisa and I to have the time of our lives!
Before you go, beloved reader, do you know anyone this could bless or benefit? Please share this offering with them—and click the 🤍 button so I know this resonated with you. I also always love to hear from you in the comments below. You are amazing, and I hope you have a beautiful day!
Hugs & Love,
Lang (aka “Dr. Love”)
I have heard in the past that control of the your emotions are the only thing you really have control over in life. Those are things I have found hard to do in the past. The emotions of the moments sometimes take over. Not emotions other people may see come from me but internally. Until the last few months I never realized how much of a planner I am. I have been trying to change inside..not easy to do as you probably know. It’s a constant battle. Thanks for the email. Have a good day. Debbie