Certainty: The Silent “Killer” of Relationships, and a Cure

How certainty ended one of my best friendships, and is tearing our society apart. And how “knowing nothing” can put us in a relationally better space.

Hi beautiful being,

Have you ever heard of the Know Nothing Party? It’s my all-time favorite political party. Not because of what this semi-popular movement in the mid-1800s U.S. stood for. Heavens no! The main thing the Native American Party—whose members were commonly referred to as the Know Nothings—championed was, how should I put this, considerably less than wonderful.

During the party’s “time in the sun”, from ~1840-1860, a lot of Catholics were moving from Ireland and Germany to America. A good number of the U.S.’s native-born protestants, though, did not like this. This was partially due to racism; and partly because, “rumor had it”, the pope secretly planned to use these immigrants to usurp the American way of life. Yes, historically not all peoples who are now considered “white” were viewed that way—race is literally something we’ve made up after all. So, at that point in time, Irish and some German-Americans, suffered from the double whammy of being viewed as both of a lesser race, and of an inferior and dangerous religion.

The vitriol and violence—in word and deed—against the Irish and Germans back then in America, was all too real.

(From Inspiring Quotes)

The Native American Party’s main purpose was to fight against and resist the influence of these “foreigners”—who also happened to be citizens who could vote. Likely recognizing their xenophobic, fearmongering, and conspiracy theory believing ways—if known, wouldn’t be viewed well by others—they tried to keep their real views hidden. With that in mind, when someone asked a party member what the party stood for, their required answer was: “I know nothing.” Hence their nickname.

So, you may find yourself wondering, why exactly is this Lang’s favorite political party? It’s all about the spirit their name implies. The attitude of “knowing nothing”, speaks to me of recognizing I could be wrong. It’s realizing you’ve changed your mind before, and will again. This beginner’s mind perspective sees the world through the eyes of a child, open to a jumbo-sized Crayola crayon box full of colorfully diverse possibilities.

To embody the spirit of “knowing nothing”, is to be humble, kind, curious, gracious, generous, compassionate, and caring. Ironically, the reality of the American Party was the complete opposite of their catchphrase, as they were quite certain Catholic Irish and Germans did not belong in America.

Which leads me to a personal story about how dangerous and damaging certainty can be, and often is.

I’ve been blessed enough to have quite a few great friends over the years; many of whom I viewed as “best”. One, who I’ll call Frank, and I, hit it off right from the start. We enjoyed the same movies, TV shows, books, bands, video games, boardgames, and beyond. And to top it off, we shared the same worldview. Our political and religious beliefs were in synch. To be more specific, we had the same favorite “flavor” of Christianity.

It was like we were brothers from other mothers. In fact, I even spent a few holidays in his parent’s home!

(From Inspiring Quotes)

While I’ll hold off on painting a more vivid picture of our connection, in order to keep him as anonymous as possible, suffice it to say: We went through a lot of life together. Frank and I were with each other through life’s devastations, jubilations, and all its in-between.

Through the refining fires of experiencing loss and desolation, though, my faith and way I saw the world began to shift. To me, each new insight felt like a revelation. One that I joyously shared with Frank. I’ll give you an example.

The flavor of Christianity we both came from, essentially believed: You, me, and everyone was born bad (aka a sinner), and your default destination is hell. What’s more, because of your innate sinfulness—unless you believe in Jesus—God quite dislikes you.

In the unraveling, and subsequent renewal of my life, though, I learned, absorbed, and experienced a different belief: You, me, and every person in the history of ever, was born beloved. The Divine’s single, unwavering, unconditional, and unending disposition toward you is love. There is nothing we can do, or believe, that will ever change this truth. Our default destination is to be with the Creator of All Things.

(From Inspiring Quotes)

The inner peace, harmony, joy, wholeness, freedom, and love this brought, and continues to bring me, is extraordinary. To know in your bones, that you are immeasurably loved, valued, and included, period—is a game-changer. Naturally, I shared this revelation with Frank. My mistake, though, was I conveyed it with such certainty; I didn’t leave room for him to disagree.

Now, take a conversation between us, or three, about this topic, and multiply it by fifty other matters of faith.

Even worse, in many of those talks, I also characterized things in terms of: How much better my new beliefs were, than my old beliefs. The problem with that was, my old beliefs, were Frank’s current ones. Yikes! Can you feel the sting of that, friend?

The real kicker is: We both had the best of intentions. We each shared our diverging beliefs from a place of lovingkindness and joyousness. The problem was, we also did so from a place of certainty. We were each convinced we were right, which meant the other person, by definition, was wrong.

Now, please note, this is only a general synapsis of what went down between Frank and I. There was also a lot of love, grace, and open-mindedness. Yet, in the end, the intoxicating feeling of certainty is at, or near, the root of why we are no longer friends. The thing is:

Certainty leaves no space for difference of belief, opinion, or perspective. It closes conversations and divides people and parties. It places people who disagree with you, beneath you. The spirit of certainty is constrictive, defensive, and combative.

Now, let’s contrast that with an attitude of knowing nothing, aka the beginner’s mind:

A spirit that realizes and expresses, “I believe _______, but I could be wrong”, creates room for difference of belief, opinion, and perspective. It cultivates conversations, and brings people together. It is humble, kind, curious, gracious, generous, compassionate, and caring.

Individually and collectively, I feel like the world could use a whole lot more of the latter, and significantly less of the former. For instance, day-after-day on social media and in the news, I see how Democrats are certain they’re right and the Republicans are wrong, and vice-versa.

With that in mind, I’ll wrap this up with a line from Cindy S. Lee in Our Unforming: De-Westernizing Spiritual Formation to reflect on:

“Certainty is an illusion.” (p. 48)

What do you think friend? What did this stir up in you? I can’t wait to hear from you in the comments! And please “like” 🤍, and consider sharing/restacking this post if it spoke to you.

Hugs & Love,

Lang (aka “Dr. Love”)