Becoming a Love Warrior
While love is our nature, much like how actors and athletes need to practice and debrief to reach their potential, so do we.
Do you ever think about something you did, said, or wore, and cringe? For instance, for a hot minute in the ‘90s I was obsessed with wearing a bandana over my head—often under a baseball cap. I thought it was super cool. Yikes!
On a more serious note, I think about how a woman I was with (let’s call her “Elayne”) and I, used to talk about our exes. The summary of a frequent conversation we had, went something like this: I bet they’re SO sad to not be with us, and deeply regret letting us go! Look at how their lives pale in comparison to ours. Look at how much better you and I are, then we were with them! We’re SO awesome compared to them!
I don’t think it’s a coincidence that Elayne and I didn’t work out. What is more, I think there’s a direct correlation between the way we talked about our exes, and how we engaged one another. In all my decades of dating and being married, I’m pretty sure Elayne’s the only person I fought with. I mention that because what shifts a disagreement—which all relationships have—into a fight, is when those involved aim to “win”. This is toxic to relationships, because:
Competition—with its drive to be first, right, and on top—is not a part of love. Love seeks to elevate, not subordinate, others.
In other words: Love doesn’t compete and compare; it connects and celebrates! As I look back on my aforementioned relationship, I can see this clear as day. While Elayne and I did love one another, we were also infected by how our society pushes us to keep up with the Joneses and win the rat race. I name it an “infection” because, although people need people, the oppositional energies of “keeping up” and “winning”, divide and push us apart.
A solution to this predicament comes, when you shift your mindset from seeking to compete, to seeking to comprehend. Can you feel the difference between the two?
Whether we think of it in these terms, or not; when we compete relationally, we: Stand apart, armor up, defend ourselves, grab our weapons, attack one another, hurt one another, retreat, and so on. Conversely, when we interact with one another in a spirit of comprehension, we: Come together, get vulnerable, share ourselves, hug each other, help one another, and care for one another.
With that in mind, do you want to hear something fabulously ironic? It turns out the techniques and tips that help you compete, also help you comprehend.
I’m a graduate of, and former instructor at, the U.S. Air Force Weapons School (Top Gun is the navy’s equivalent). There, I learned two practices make one “the best of the best”: Rehearsing and reflecting. From warfighting, to peace-making, to portfolio building, to raising a good human, to cultivating a beautiful relationship, and beyond—rehearsing and reflecting will greatly benefit and bless you.
At the Weapons School, we lived by Sun Tzu’s axiom: "If you know the enemy and know yourself, you need not fear the result of a hundred battles." When one is simultaneously self-aware, cognizant of their strengths and weaknesses, and deeply understands their enemy’s thinking, motivations, and strategies—victory is all but certain. And, it delights me beyond measure, how this also applies to loving well. The practices and principles that form a great warfighter, also fashion a powerful love warrior! Consider this tweak on Sun Tzu’s words:
If you know other people and know yourself, you can trust love will be the result of a hundred encounters.
That’s NOT to say all of those experiences will turn out the way we prefer, end in hugs, or lead to agreement. Instead, it means: When you know yourself and others, you are able to speak and embody love. Such awareness empowers you to manifest curiosity, compassion, and care. When you do that—even just a little bit—you plant seeds of grace and kindness. And THAT, regardless of the “result”, is a life well done!
This is where the other hallmark of rehearsing that we lived by at the Weapons School comes in. Before an encounter, it’s not only important to know yourself and the other well—it’s vital to plan for possibilities (aka contingency planning). Contingency planning involves asking yourself, in advance, What if _______ happens? While also formulating your response.
For instance:
At the Christmas party, what if “that” person starts talking politics? I will kindly ask them why they believe the way they do.
What if people don’t like the dinner I prepare? I’ll ask them what would make it better?
What if we start talking about our belief systems and we disagree? I will choose curiosity and comprehension, over competition and conquest.
What if someone says something that triggers, or makes me defensive? I will silently take as many deep, slow breathes as necessary to get calm and centered. Then, I will proceed with curiosity, kindness, and (as needed) healthy boundaries.
Now, personally I know I can err on the obsessive side of this by thinking about all the possibilities. While there are a certain, few situations where in depth planning is helpful, mostly I find it good to just have a few go-to responses in your “toolbox” that will help you in a variety of situations. Pausing, breathing, and taking a moment to notice and name what’s going on inside of you, goes a LONG way in most circumstances. For example.
Naturally, we don’t always do things well. Mistakes and missteps are part of the human experience. That’s why we put a HUGE emphasis on debriefs at the Weapons School. In these, we named what went wrong, and gave specific and tangible ways to do it successfully in the future.
Likewise, to love well, we must reflect well. I find the easiest times to do this are on the way home from being with people, after people leave our place, or at the end of the day. Whether one does this in conversation with a partner, in their thoughts, in a journal, or ______, the key is to be real with yourself, own your “stuff” (without beating yourself up), and plan how to do better next time. In other words:
A love warrior rehearses for the future, reflects on the past, simultaneously is real and grace-filled with themself, and lives in the present.
Hilariously enough, the importance of being both “real” and grace-filled, came to me at the last moment. It was basically a sneak attack from love! LOL On that note, as we live into our love warrior nature, I invite us to be gentle, understanding, and forgiving of ourselves. And I hope you have a beautiful Christmas!
Hugs & Love,
Lang (aka “Dr. Love”)