2 Keys to Great Habits/Behavior: Rewards & Resistance
We become better by rewarding ourselves for what’s good for us, and making the things that aren’t more difficult to do.
I quite enjoy doing chores and cooking. Why? Definitely not because I find it fun to vacuum, fold, chop, and such! Instead, it’s because I listen to music, sing, and dance—things I love to do—while doing them. What is more, as I do these tasks, I also draw my awareness to how they bless my family, our home, and our life together.
Along those lines, something I find fascinating about being human is: While we are biased toward instant gratification, the people who thrive and shine in life, are those who choose delayed gratification. Why? Because what feels great in the moment, like a bag of chocolate peanut butter cups, isn’t good for us in the long-run. Likewise, things we tend to not like at the time, getting a sweaty workout in for instance, benefit us long term.
Honoring our wiring, then, it’s important to reward good habits and behaviors immediately. Not only does this satisfy our thirst for immediate delight; it progressively trains our bodies and brains to experience the things that are good for us—but not ordinarily pleasurable in the moment—as joyous in the here and now.
At the beginning of my Masters of Divinity program, over a decade ago, I recall a teacher giving us a “hot tip” about easing our way through the hard work. She said, whether it’s writing and/or reading that you don’t enjoy, make the task pleasurable by eating a piece of chocolate, drinking a bit of wine, or doing something else that brings you joy, while you do it for a while.
(Lisa and I wine tasting in Walla Walla, WA)
Reward what is good for you long-term, but difficult in the moment. Create resistance to what feels great now, but is not good for you long-term.
Regardless of what habit or behavior you’d like to cultivate, yet struggle with, this “trick” works. Whether you want to work out more, keep your house cleaner, eat more healthily, speak and act with more kindness, grow a garden, do a better job at work, or ______, giving yourself an immediate reward for what reaps long-term benefits, will do you well.
That said, it’s important to make sure the reward doesn’t contradict the goal—like having an ice-cream sundae as the prize, when eating better is your mission. In this case, the sibling of the rewards system comes into play: Resistance. Another simple key to thriving comes by, making it harder to do something that feels good in the moment, but runs counter to your long-term goals for transformation and awesomeness.
For instance, while watching a show the other night, my wife Lisa and I felt like having a post-dinner snack. Instead of bringing the whole bag of chips into the living room, though, I only brought a small bowl. That way, if we wanted more, we’d have to get up and walk across the house. That’s a small and practical example of creating resistance to a behavior that doesn’t benefit you long-term.
The more we align our thoughts, words, and deeds in a particular direction, the easier it is for us to go that way.
Rewards and resistances are the guardrails we set in order to better keep us on the path to flourishing. They align us with our intentions. While the former makes something easier and more pleasurable, the latter makes it harder and less enjoyable.
The image of the water slides at a waterpark come to mind here. The rewards we establish are like the water that keeps us easily and joyously, sliding toward our destination. Meanwhile, the resistances we put in place, are like turning the slide’s water off, making it far harder and less enjoyable to go down that path.
(Me dancing in our kitchen)
Rewarding what’s beneficial and beautiful, creates within us a magnetic draw toward it.
Naturally, it’s important to remember that life is a team sport. The people we interact with, and do life with, can easily aid or hinder our progress toward our goals of growth and becoming more amazing. Being clear and upfront about “where” you’re going, and how you’re doing it with others, is key in this regard.
Think about it. Whether you’re working on financial responsibility, being more generous, eating better, getting more physically fit, better sleep habits, time management, or ____; there is a direct relationship between how well people can aid your endeavors, with how well they know what you’re doing, and how you’re going about it.
My wife Lisa is great at this! I’ve been working on being more on time in a non-rushed manner. Knowing this, she checks in with me, gives me tips when I stumble, celebrates my successes, and does a good job at not feeding my impulse to cram in as many things as possible. Since the reason I run behind and rush is that I try to cram as much in as possible; a resistance I’ve found that works well here is, setting an earlier hard stop time for my activities. The reward is letting myself take a moment to soak in the inner peace that comes when I’m not stressed-out by rushing and scrambling.
How can the reward and resistance system benefit you?
Hugs & Love,
Lang (aka “Dr. Love”)